October has arrived, and that means has, too! During this month, we take time to celebrate the achievements and acknowledge the struggles of those within the LGBTQ community. The is hosting a bunch of this month, and while a few are specifically for folks within the community, there are many in which allies and supporters are welcome to attend. However, in the spirit of support for the community, let鈥檚 keep in mind what not to say to your LGBTQ friends in pursuit of being an 鈥渁lly.鈥
1. “I watched ‘Heartstopper,’ and I have a gay cousin, so I get it!”
You do not, in fact, “get it.” Consuming LGBTQ media and/or being related to a queer person does not in any way equate to actively living and knowing the experience of a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer person.
2. “I’m gay, so I get it!”
Once again, you probably do not “get it”鈥or at least not all of it. Thinking intersectionally is important: your experience as, say, a white cisgender gay man, has probably been markedly different than that of other folks with multiple marginalized and intersecting identities. And that鈥檚 okay! But what isn鈥檛 okay is assuming that the LGBTQ experience is a monolith. Conflating these experiences does more harm and distracts us from the real work of uplifting queer and trans voices.
3. “Oh wow, I couldn’t even tell you were [insert LGBTQ identity]!”
And I couldn鈥檛 tell you were a鈥
4. “It’s not always about your sexuality or gender identity!”
But it鈥檚 not always about you, either! Sometimes, an identity, experience or perception people have of you can actually inform your interaction with that particular person. So yes, someone鈥檚 sexuality or gender identity might indeed be a significant factor in a particular experience they had, and it鈥檚 not your place to tell them that they should ignore the part their identities could have played in the situation.
5. “Hey [insert queer friend’s name], do you know [other queer person’s name]?”
Believe it or not, not all LGBTQ people are members of some secret gay mafia that meets weekly to plan our gay agenda and world domination. Do you know this other random straight/cisgender person? Chances are, unless these people are already within the same circles, they do not know each other just because of their shared identities. But if you want to join an LGBTQ affinity group鈥 !
6. “I don’t think they meant it like that, you should try to see it from their side!”
Saying something like this ignores the double (often triple or quadruple) consciousness that LGBTQ people possess. This person has probably already had to consider other people鈥檚 perspectives living in a predominantly cisgender-heterosexual world, so believe them and support them in the ways that they express needing support.
7. “I’m so sorry, I’m straight; if I could change it, I would!”
Apart from the fact that apologizing for your sexuality to your LGBTQ peers is an odd move, trying to convince them that you would change this puts them in an awkward position. Why would you try to change that? Goddess knows we don鈥檛 want to change our queerness and transness! You’re not like us, but that鈥檚 okay! We accept you as you are.
8. “Hunty, yes, slay the house down boots!”
You do not talk like this, and it is soooo painfully obvious. You can be in a community with queer folk without these poor attempts of mimicry at best, mockery at worst. Also, let鈥檚 not forget that much of what we assume to be queer culture and/or lingo is actually Black queer culture. You can appreciate a culture without appropriating it!
Moral of the story: be sure to do your research. Listen to others鈥 perspectives. If you鈥檙e interested in learning more about how to be a good ally, be sure to attend the throughout the academic year, and don鈥檛 miss !
This article was inspired by a and her book, 鈥.鈥
Written By Erykah Pasha 鈥24, Maxwell School of Citizenship and Public Affairs